No absolute certainty

Christ does not often reveal himself to us in lightning flashes or extraordinary circumstances. Instead he leaves us free to pray, reflect and follow God's will through our daily responsibilities. That's hard to accept.

When I discerned my vocation, I wanted clear direction from the Lord. I wanted absolute certainty, but I soon discovered discernment is all about surrender.

As a young woman, I was anxious to know the Lord's will for my life. I wanted to choose the path he marked out for me; I just didn't know how to hear his call. I prayed but I didn't experience a major conversion or inspiration. For me, the call was a slow, steady movement to recognize the "still small voice" that Elijah experienced on the mountain as he waited for the Lord (1 Kgs 19:12). There were no absolute certainties, only a prayer of surrender.

I was a media and technology lover planning a career path in computer science. Even though I knew about many different orders of religious sisters, the consecrated life was far from my mind. That is, until I met the Daughters of St. Paul.

The first time I visited the sisters at their Pauline Books and Media center in St. Louis, they brought me into the chapel. It was a simply decorated sacred space with the tabernacle in the center and statues of Mary and St. Paul on either side.

I was struck by the words near the tabernacle: "Do not be afraid; I am with you. From here I want to enlighten. Be sorry for sins." Those words reassured me, even though I didn't understand the deeper meaning behind them. A vocational choice is frightening because, like any choice, you must leave behind the thousand other possibilities and put your whole self behind one decision without absolute certainty.

I later came to find out that those words were spoken by Jesus to Blessed James Alberione, the founder of the Pauline family. A priest of Northern Italy, Father Alberione began a new charism in the church in 1914 by founding a congregation of Pauline priests and brothers and then an order of religious sisters, the Daughters of St. Paul, who would use media technologies to communicate the Gospel to the world. He later founded seven other religious institutes and a lay association. Long before most people in the church, Alberione saw communication technologies as "gifts of God." He was a true media apostle, who paved the way for the church to be an evangelizing presence in the media culture. That is something I could understand and relate to.

Only nine years after he began his new religious family, Father Alberione contracted a serious illness. He was just beginning his mission and did not want to leave his fledgling congregations and media apostolate at such a crucial time of development. He realized that there are no absolute certainties. He surrendered to the Lord and prepared himself for death.

In a dream, Jesus appeared to Father Alberione and uttered the words, "Do not be afraid; I am with you." Then, from the tabernacle, Jesus continued, "From here I want to enlighten. Be sorry for sins." At that moment, Alberione was completely cured of his illness. The experience so convinced him that the Lord willed the Pauline family and its mission into existence that he had those words placed in every Pauline chapel around the world. His surrender to Christ became a Pauline legacy.

Nearly 70 years later, I found those words challenging me to abandon my quest for absolute certainty in my vocational journey and surrender to the Lord. I tried to avoid the call, but a recurring thought that religious life was the way I would find the greatest peace and happiness persisted. I felt the desire to use my love of media to proclaim Christ as a consecrated religious.

There is no absolute certainty in discerning a vocational call. If we have certainty, we wouldn't keep pursuing the mystery of God present in the silence and stillness. That is where the will of God is found. Yes, Christ calls us in significant moments such as a vocational choice. But most of life is made up of small things, the seemingly insignificant everyday experiences, encounters and situations.

The spiritual author Father Jacques Philippe writes that even if we seek Christ's will for us with all sincerity, we will not often receive a clear answer. God treats us as adults, and he wants us to make our decisions in freedom and trust. Wanting only absolute certainties implies pride. Seeking God's will is a struggle. It keeps us humble, always surrendering to God. Jesus assures us just as he assured Father Alberione, "Do not be afraid. I am with you. From here I want to enlighten. Be sorry for sins."